


I wish my shadow would disappear

by Syperius



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Bullying, Depression, F/M, Public Humiliation, These kids are not nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 21:30:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15128207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Syperius/pseuds/Syperius
Summary: Rin Solo, Rey and Ben's youngest son is bullied by Master Ben's other students while his family is away.





	I wish my shadow would disappear

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is just an idea I played with in my mind and wrote it down. If it was a story it'd be somewhere in the middle of it. It's really heartbreaking and there's a lot of heavy stuff or thinking by Rin. Jaina and Jacen are twins and Rin was born after them. Lily is Finn and Rose's daughter. The other kids are Ben's students.

Rin was so exhausted. The anxiety caused by something he couldn’t name didn’t let him sleep well, and days going without a well-rested night had him sitting outside, sitting by the pond his father liked to meditate by. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked paler than normal. The pit of his stomach felt heavy yet hollow, and his heart has been restless, not giving him any moments of peace. 

Why was he there, he wondered. Maybe he believed the place would help him, and guide him, since his father didn’t even notice. Maybe the place where his father spent so much time with Jacen and Jaina could hold a meaning to him too. 

The place itself wasn’t that spectacular, just the pond, few rocks around it and grass. A lot of grass. Still, that was the place where his family could forget the existence of Rin Solo.

Rin choked on a sudden wave of emotion and he tried to hold it back. He knew mother and father weren’t home so he didn’t need to worry about hiding it so much. Tears prickled in his eyes, but as his face twisted he suppressed the sadness…jealousy. It was a sting in his heart, and something hot and red flickered behind it all but it wasn’t grand enough to be noticed yet.

It would all have been better if he had born normal, special, like Jacen or Jaina. 

Or not at all. Then the saviors of the galaxy, the mighty Ben and Rey Solo wouldn’t need to hide their cripple son. That was why he was home alone again, Rin believed. They all had gone off to some old Jedi temple together, even Master Luke went with them. 

Being alone really gave Rin time to wallow in his thoughts. He really must have been such a disappointment. The second son was a failure so they made a third child, Jaina, and she WAS better than him. A part of him knew he shouldn’t think like that, that it was wrong and dramatic, but he couldn’t force the feelings away anymore. Rin has told himself he was wrong for sixteen years now, and he couldn’t anymore.

The doubts were nagging at his mind. What if they were right all along?

The noise of a group of teens pulled Ren back to the present, out of his depressing thoughts. He recognized Keegan’s piercing laugh, the bubbly type that made him sound like a maniac. It wasn’t a secret Rin and him didn’t get along, and right now he really didn’t want to deal with his brother’s friends.

”Please, not now…” He mumbled into his hands as he rubbed his face.

”Heyyyy Rin! Are you going to the Jedi temple with Master Ben? Oh wait… I forgot, they left already.” Keegan grinned and patted Rin’s back roughly like one would do to a really good friend. But they weren’t friends, so it felt insulting with its hidden meanings. A jab that hit right in the right place.

Rin was just too tired to deal with this right now. He sighed and looked up at the group of boys. And one girl. Lily had decided to tag along too today, it seems.

”Go away, Keegan, and take your guard dogs with you. I don’t feel like talking to you today.” He stood up from the ground, but Sugar stopped him with a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down. Rin could feel his guts drop and he visibly tensed. He tried to hide his trembling hands by rolling them into fists. His heart was beating harder and his breathing shallow.

”Why in a hurry, Rin? Do you have somewhere to be?” Keegan asked, the grin on his face Rin knew didn’t bring anything but suffering on him. To an outsider it would look like friendly teasing. Lily stayed back, frowning as she couldn’t understand the tenseness in the air. 

”That’s a good thing though, right? Master Ben isn’t here but…we can teach you something we learned. Right?” Daryan looked at his friends’ faces, his gaze flicking back and forth before stopping on Rin. 

”Exactly.” Keegan nodded. ”We want to show you something the Master taught us.” It was like he was almost truly concerned.

”You know I’m not Force-sensitive.” Rin managed to keep his voice level. It stung him to say that, and he looked down with shame. Something he shouldn’t show but he was a sensitive and expressive boy. Sometimes he wished he had a mask to hide his face with, like an armor to keep everything in and out. 

”Don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything, just sit there and let us show you”. Rin scowled at Keegan, his lip trembling a bit as he tried to sneer. 

”I don’t think so.”

”Relax. We wouldn’t really hurt you, you must know that, Rin.”

”Yeah, Jacen would be mad.” 

”Guys…he said he doesn’t want to…” Lily finally said something, but she was ignored. Rin appreciated it but he’d prefer to deal with it alone. He didn’t need anyone’s help, he wasn’t  _ that _ pathetic. 

”Have you heard of mind tricks, Rin?” Keegan asked, the boys already trying to hold back laugh. They were clearly excited about something, and it was extremely unsettling to Rin. He was looking for a way out. Don’t be such a twink, he told himself. 

”Fuck you, I don’t care.” He stood up again, pushing against Sugar’s hand that was on his shoulder again, trying to push him down. He couldn’t stay still, the need to get away, the pressing feeling of his heart stopping at any minute forcing him to stand up.

”Aw, don’t be so rude. We just want to show you. Well, Keegan, he’s the one who learned it! Isn’t it awesome?” Keegan looked so smug and cocky Rin wanted to kick him off of his high horse. He wished he could, but Keegan had the upper hand.

”Yeah, and guess what Master Ben taught us. He said mind tricks work only on the weak-willed and simple-minded people.” 

Rin yawned, his brain screaming for sleep, and he turned his back to the group, too tired and anxious to care what they had to say. He tried to play it cool, to hide his trembling body.  It was always the same, ’Master Ben’ teaching them many things instead of his own son. The words tasted bitter on his tongue, the words he wanted to tell his father but couldn’t. He’d seem even weaker, complaining about such thing. 

Now he just wanted to get away. Whatever they were talking about behind his back flew right past his ears. Then he was suddenly stopped, frozen mid step, unable to move. His heart started thumping harder than it already was. 

This couldn’t be happening.

If Rin could move, he would have told them father had forbid using the Force on others while he was away.

”Now boys, let’s teach Rin something he doesn’t seem to be able to understand on his own.” Keegan walked around Rin and stopped in front of him. Sugar followed him, Daryan stayed at the side. Lily just watched, unable to do anything. 

Rin swore he could feel the dark circles under his eyes had grown in the last few minutes.

He was freed from the hold. ”What the fu-…” He started to shout but Keegan had lifted his hand and almost touched Rin’s forehead. Rin flinched back. He wished he wasn’t alone, he wished his family would be there already.

”You will wet yourself.” 

”I will wet myself.” 

Keegan, Sugar and Daryan bursted into laugh again, Keegan’s piercing laugh the loudest. Rin blinked. He was confused. Why were they laughing? He looked at them, and then Lily, who was standing there in a shock, staring back at him with mouth fallen open. 

”What’s going on, guys?” Rin shifted uncomfortably. He felt something wet in his pants, and he looked down.

His panic only made the boys laugh louder, the way he couldn’t hold his tears back anymore and he started crying. ”Oh my god I can’t believe it worked!” Rin looked up at them, his face burning red. He was confused and humiliated, trembling under the ridiculing stares. How could he have peed in his pants, in front of his brother’s friends, and Lily. 

”Come on, let’s leave Rin to tend to his…problems.” One of them snickered, Rin didn’t care who. He had fallen down on his ass, trying to cover himself as much as he could. He was almost hyperventilating, trying to breathe because he felt like something was squeezing his lungs. 

”This is why you are here, Rin, and not with Master Ben.”

They had finally left him alone, but now Lily ran to him, kneeling down next to Rin who was hugging his legs, face hidden against his knees. He wanted the earth to swallow him up and end his moment of misery. He kept replaying what had happened in his mind, confusing himself more. One moment Keegan was talking about teaching him something, and then the next he was standing up and…

Rin let out a shaky breath. He couldn’t breathe through his nose. There were hands on him, gentle ones, shaking him a bit. ”Rin? Rin, are you okay?” He remembered Lily was still there.

”Go away…” He mumbled, but when she didn’t, he pushed her away and screamed it again. ”GO AWAY!”

She didn’t need to see him like that. It hurt him, he could never show his face to them ever again. None of them. Surely they’d remember. And they’d probably tell others! What if his family knew?

Embarrassing! It was a disaster. The son of the heroes wetting himself at the age of sixteen like a little child, while Jaina and Jacen were rescuing the world with their parents.

Lily looked hurt, but concerned, and still wouldn’t leave. Rin tried to hold back a sob as his thoughts were tormenting him again. 

”You look so tired…please, Rin. Let me help you.” She moved closer. ”I’m sorry, I should have stopped it when I could. I didn’t know they would do that…” She was as shocked as Rin was. They had thought Master Ben’s students were nice, but it seemed they could be little devils too.

”They? They didn’t do anything…! But I…! Disgusting.”

”No…they used a mind trick on you…”

”A mind trick…on… _ me _ ?” 

”Yes. It wasn’t…you, really.” She wanted him to feel better. ”They shouldn’t have done that. Rin, you need to tell your father.”

”What? No! Never. And you can’t tell him, please!” He gripped her shoulders and stared into her eyes, pleading her not to. ”You can’t…”

He remembered a night they all had been sitting in their living room together, his parents, Jacen and Jaina, talking about the Force. Their favourite subject… And they had been talking about mind tricks, since their mother was the best one at it. ”You should have seen me escape the Starkiller base. I used the mind trick the first time.” She had said with a wide smile, and father had looked at her so proudly. Jaina had eventually asked if the mind trick worked on everyone, and their father had told them no. ”It only works on the simple-minded.”

”Please, don’t tell him.” Lily didn’t understand why, but it clearly meant a lot to Rin so she nodded. ”I won’t, I promise…”

He stood up and started walking away quickly, his head spinning in every direction. He needed to hide. Maybe he tried to with the way he was walking, his shoulders hunched forward to make him appear as small as possible. 

What if someone saw him like that?  Even when no one was there he felt like people were staring at him, pointing at him and laughing. The feeling was tight, like black smoke was covering him from head to toe, stealing his breath and feeding it to fear.

Rin got inside and went straight into his own refresher. He stripped himself bare and threw his soiled pants into the tub and started scrubbing them clean like his life depended on it. He was still crying. No evidence should be left behind. In a way he was thankful his family wasn’t there. If they were and they had seen what had happened, would they be embarrassed too?

His mind gave him no rest. It kept nagging, pushing him closer and closer to the edge of mental breakdown. He was so tired… So tired of trying to be good like his brother and sister, and he was so tired of trying to do that alone. Rin still believed he wasn’t good enough as he was. If he was, why would his mother and father spend so much more time with Jacen and Jaina. 

He knew why. Keegan was right about him, and why his father left him alone so many times. 

A moment later Rin found himself sitting on the floor in a puddle of water, leaning against the tub. He was silently crying, scared that someone in the empty house would hear.

Someone had just used a mind trick on him.

Him.

The son of Ben Solo.

He was simple-minded. 

What would his parents think?


End file.
